Welcome back shit stain!

January 26, 2011

Clearly, American Idol has begun yet again and I couldn’t be more depressed about it.

I consider trying to get better and find ways to function to be my number one priority. I hate being in pain and being not able to have the kind of life I want as a result of my pain and physical limits. Today I had a huge day. I got up early for me, about 7:45 am. I slept poorly and was up every hour throughout the night. I got dressed though skipped the shower due to time and exhaustion. I hate feeling so bad I don’t care how I smell. I made it to the doctor’s appointment on time and as usual, even a gentle exam of my injured shoulder produced miserable results, numbness and tingling down the side of my arm into my pinky and ring finger on the right side that has yet to go away. Imagine the feeling of your foot being asleep, now imagine that you sometimes have to have that sensation for days or weeks on end. It’s not fun, but at least it’s better than nerve pain. I’ll take the tingles over the pain any day.

Then I stopped by the house because I’d forgotten my coupons for Target and made my way to go pick up my prescriptions. I used all my spoons to manage a very large shopping trip. A cart full of $100 dollars of groceries is VERY difficult for me to push, much less load into the car, carry into the house, and put away. I was just finishing getting the groceries put away when I got a call from my physical therapists office asking if my appointment could be pushed up to 1pm instead of 1:45pm. This meant I had less than an hour to get into the clinic. I got the dogs out to potty since I hadn’t had time this morning before leaving. Due to feeling horrible between the standard back, neck, and shoulder pain and menstrual cramps, the most I managed to do was finish putting away the groceries and make a sandwich before I had to leave. I didn’t even get to eat the sandwich. I managed down half of it while driving and making my way into my PT’s office.

My appointment went well as usual; my PT is made of sheer awesomesauce. However, I hurt a ton at this point. Some days even his gentle approach and work is just way too much. I hadn’t even made it out the door when I realized it was time to take a nap. I got home, wedged the last half of my sandwich into the very full (for a change) fridge, and collapsed into bed with my dogs. I was so exhausted I ended up just rolling around for a bit cold, but to tired to get up to get the electric hot pad from the closet. I figured between the dogs and my sleeping hat I’d get warm eventually. I was right.

I fell asleep only awakened by my 4 pm alarm reminding me to take my MS Contin. I have an alarm every 8 hours to remind me to take my pills because otherwise I forget and things get bad fast. By about the 10 hour mark I feel like I’m surely going to die from the pains in my neck. Not good, so alarms it is. I was so tired that I just fumbled for my pill and took a couple Advil from the nightstand as well. Morphine is useless for menstrual cramps, Advil is the bomb. I was back out so fast I hardly had time to put the glass of water back on it’s little coaster.

Undisturbed, I’d be able to get some of the rest that I so desperately need to heal and to be able to function tomorrow. I love it when I get enough rest that I can function the next day. I’m particularly proud of how much I got done today and would love to have a repeat day tomorrow. Unfortunately, as usual, I was not permitted to rest until my body felt it was ready to handle the world again. I would have loved to sleep until 6am or so, but no. The world has miserable plans for me still.

I wake up in a full on freak out funk due to¬†shrieking¬†in the house. When your damaged neck provides a physical cause for your PTSD symptoms, there isn’t much you can do. All the shrinks in the world can’t help and you’re at the mercy of your nerves. When I’m alseep, I need quiet. I freak if there are sounds in the house, any loud sounds outside beyond the ambiance of a city home, or any movement in the area. Shrieking is a sure fire freak out every time. If I’m out and about and there is a big crowd or any loud things, it sets off the same thing. The only bonus there is, you aren’t woken up too.

When I say freak out, I mean waking instantly covered in sweat and sweating uncontrollably for a few hours until the freak out subsides. I mean physically shaking, and confused, and convinced that the entire world is about to collapse. The sensation is of the impending doom of being crashed into all over again. It’s the feeling of losing everything all over again. I hate it more than I hate the pain. And that says something.

Now I’m doomed to deal with this horrid loss of sleep and the constant stress of these kinds of freak outs for a whole fucking season. American Idol is back. I swear my parents will watch anything just because it is on TV. American Idol, Biggest Looser, and Judge Judy. The list goes on, but those are the worst offenders in my book. The TV upstairs is on 24/7, even when there isn’t anyone on the entire floor of the house! American Idol is worse in that there will be people on that floor of the house, ones that are screaming and laughing just as loud as the television is blaring. It’s not uncommon for the walls to actually shake in the basement.

So now I’m awake, covered in sweat, shaking, hurting worse than I have all day, barely able to focus on anything because of the pain, unable to return to sleep (likely for the entire night due to the way freak outs work), and listening to the worst shit stain to hit American TV since Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake. It’s a pity that people actually watch this dribble for literally hours on end.

I’m constantly getting ragged on for not doing something “that makes money” by my mom. I hate going up stairs because of it. I’m doing everything I can to be able to function and find my place in life given my new limitations. I’m writing knitting patterns, I’ve got an article I’m trying to publish and have two half written books. Even in this shaky pained hell of this night, I’m doing the best job I can. Obviously trying to heal and recover is out and tomorrow is likely to be a wash due to pain and exhaustion, but I’m trying to do something useful with my time. I’ve been cleaning so that I have a decent place to work. I’m working on some knitting at the moment, and I’m still shaking in pain. But I’m trying. I swear people need to figure out that it is entirely inappropriate to rag on other people when they spend the entire day in front of the television watching the biggest waste of energy on the planet.

I wish more than anything I had a place I could go to rest, one far away from the auditory, visual, and olfactory assaults of the rest of the lazy world. Thanks to the shit stain, I’ve now got a migraine as well. I really wish there was any hope for me to heal enough to work a real job and get a place of my own.

Later world, I’ve got to turn off the computer to hide from the lights. FML.